So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
