if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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