You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
