I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was confusing and full of hummus
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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