I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
