Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
