I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
