It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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