I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
