if i can run in heels then i can drive
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
