insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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