The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
