My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
