I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am spending my child support on dildos
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
