its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
