I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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