I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
