Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
