I'm so fucking centered right now
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i will never coherently bang her
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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