the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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