I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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