Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
