I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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