i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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