our cab driver is having phone sex.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
