Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
