By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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