Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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