Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I party with great urgency now.
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