Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
