I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
