God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
