dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
