I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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