omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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