WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
