Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I still have a little drunk in my system
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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