This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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