I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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