If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
