Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
