i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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