i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
