Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
