i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
