I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
from now on my penis is your penis
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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