he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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