apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
