It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
