1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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