Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
